At the end of every run I tend to analyze it. How did it feel? At what mile did the endorphins kick in? At what mile did my ankle throb? When did it stop?I go over every detail from what socks I wore, to shoes, to time between eating and running, etc. I’m looking for the key. What I did that made it a good run or what I might’ve done differently enough to make it bad.

I wrote earlier about some of the things I did when I was wrestling with myself but I think it’s worth revisiting.

My struggle with who and what I am really centered on my insecurities and finding the source of them. I hadn’t yet grasped that I had given people the power to make me feel worthless I just knew that I did feel worthless.

As a defense mechanism I had built a wall around myself and my heart. I didn’t really let people in and if they got too close- I was in that relationship with one foot out the door. I cut off my friends before they cut me off and in essence was the creator of my own unhappiness. Yet, the motivations for doing this had to come from somewhere and I knew finding them meant sifting through every painful remark, feeling or thought and drudging them out to be examined.

That’s scary stuff to re-expose yourself willingly to that which hurts you more than anything. It took commitment and the desire to be fixed above all else to keep going. Once I started I couldn’t stop it.

Breaking through that wall was difficult, to say the least, it was the figurative action of cleaning out ones closet. I dug deep and pulled out one thought and traced it back. Where did that come from? Who or what told me that? Why did I believe it?

But knowing just those answers wasn’t enough I also needed to trace the source’s history. Why does that particular person feel that way? What influenced them? What’s their history?

I would gather those answers and take the most important step of all, I would then decide whether or not to accept or reject that negative thought or feeling AND its source.

Here’s an example I recently shared with my mother. My whole life I have felt that I can never reach the level of gratitude my father expects of me for his sacrifices. I can’t adequately make him understand how truly thankful I am. He always seems disappointed and after every expression of gratefulness there’s this, sometimes spoken, understanding that passes between us that I just don’t get it.

I took this feeling,” I’m a disappointment because I’m never grateful enough” and traced it. At the time I grabbed it I wasn’t entirely sure it came from my father.

Then in my tracing, recalling where I most felt these things and why I realized the source- My dad. I then went looking for how or why I would feel this way. Was it something he said or did?

It was something he said.

I’m adopted, I came from Santiago, Chile, at the age of one. According to the papers my father was in the military and my mother was most likely a housekeeper. My future there would have been very, very limited with little chance of education and a “good life”.

When I was small my father would say to me, from time to time, that I should,” just be grateful that I was adopted by this family and they were Americans because in this country the the opportunities are boundless, had I stayed in Chile my future would be bleak.”

As if I had a choice in the matter, number one but number two- why was this always said as if I didn’t understand how blest I am anyway, same as either of my two brothers who are their natural children. Why was I to be more grateful? Why was this not said to them?

In all my digging I found its source and applied what I know about my father and his history and came to the point where I accepted it or rejected it. Which is harder than it sounds because often times it involves someone you love or respect a great deal. It’s personal.

I accepted that my parents deserve respect and gratitude for their sacrifices and choices that looked out for the best interest of this family but I rejected that I was made to feel guilty. I realized that by giving his words the power over me to control my feelings i was contributing to the feeling of guilt over what I did or said not ever enough. I definitely rejected that.

I remember most as I went through this process how angry I became with myself. My eyes opened and while I finally could trace every one of those negative things it ultimately came down to me giving each one of those things so much value as to crush me.

These days I still write notes or say thank you in my various forms just as heartfelt as before and I walk away knowing that it’s valid and sincere. If it isn’t enough for him then he has work to do, not me.

We all have issues and if you’re like me you’re constantly revisiting them. Then again you may also be running from them because they’re too hard or painful to confront. It is understandable but if the issues you have are figuratively or literally weighing you down you must to the hard work to rise above them. You may never beat them- I have ones that will likely never go away- but you can at least understand them, and consequently yourself better.

You know the saying that hate is really just ignorance? I turned that on myself- what I disliked about myself, I discovered, is the stuff I didn’t really understand.

I work hard each time I’m made aware of a negative feeling or thought to put this system into practice.

I’d really like it if the only issues I have are the ones of Runner’s World scattered about my house.